9 lbs

Honestly, i haven't weighed myself in days. For fears that the lbs would be steadily reappearing in my jeans, ive avoided it like a 1-800 collection call. Even if my jeans have gone down one size and I'm comfortable in a size smaller than what has been normal, I still feel like I've gained weight. I eventually get to the scale this morning and sure as shit I lost another pound of butt. It for sure is vacating the butt premises faster than the gut, as long as it's going... I'm down with it. Matt on the other hand looks like he weighs 87 lbs and has enormous knuckles and knees. He's pissing me off today like none other. We had grilled chicken with this awesome bourbon glaze from tastefully simple last night, brown rice and steamed broccoli, with a lot left over. So I reheated it for lunch for the whole family... He only ate half a chicken breast and like 1/2 cup of rice just to prove he's so skinny or something. He was "stuffed". My ass, what's stuffed are my thighs in these tiny ass jeans I can finally fit into, and I feel obligated to only take a bite of my chicken to one-up him and win the silent lunch battle we are having. 20 mins after lunch I totally indulge in one of the meal replacement shake that's only 210 calories and tastes like carnation instant breakfast but a really big serving size of it. And a tasty handful of almonds. I love my almonds!
Dinner tonight I made his day by making his favorite, meatloaf. With ground turkey and didn't tell him it was turkey. He told me it's the best meatloaf I've ever made while I silently laugh hysterically in my head! He thinks he ate all these calories, and it was only a fraction of the calories. And he's so thankful that red meat is back at the table... Haha!!! No red meat for you!!!

Dark days of dieting

5 nights ago at about 4 in the morning, or there about, I awoke to a loud crack. Matt and I both sprang from bed and both assumed that someone had broken in or was trying to. After an ugly underwear parade throughout the house to rule out any criminal activity, we both return to our bed and matt is snoring before he hits the pillow. Me, I'm crazy anxiety person trying to decipher what the heck the noise was is WIDE awake. Suddenly my heightened sense of awareness puts me into fight or flight mode as my king sized bed collapses on my side. metal sheared through wood. My fat ass broke my bed. And of course only after 15 days of intense and very dedicated decisions of what to eat and when to eat it... It breaks. Not 16 days ago or 8 lbs heavier. Nope, not when I needed an aha moment. After I have been struggling to make each day without diet coke, coffee and cheese my stupid, over priced, Artvan rip off collapses on me. So the truth is, why haven't I been writing? Why did I eat a cheeseburger and a cupcake, and 3 cookies...? My bed broke and honestly it broke a little bit of my heart too. I really dedicated myself, and the setback nearly finished me off because I'm fragile. I'm looking for any excuse to say this diet doesn't work, or it's not for me, or I'm failing. Because admitting defeat and returning to my old habits is so much easier than fighting this battle. 24 days isn't going to fix my bed, make me a size 2 or sing me a love song... It's 24 days of a wakeup call. Calling on all the back up and support I can muster up... This battle has only just begun.


Stupid Artvan, I needed a wake up call just not at 4 am.

Lazy days- food therapy

I'm sure I'd be getting more out of my challenge, but I've fallen victim to the cupcake. the last week, the beginning of the 14 day leg of my weight loss journey have been a game of dodgeball for me. I'm dodging fats and dairy as I'm finding those foods are what are slowing down my digestion and making my tummy bloat and feel like a sock filled with two water balloons. Typically if I consume brown rice with any meal I feel the opposite. I feel like the water balloons are back up in my bra where they should be. Speaking of my bra, I feel like it's fitting me better and I can cinch it one notch more with every day I eat right.
As for my sugar addictions, I've fallen victim to the cupcake for Drew's birthday yesterday and before that I've only messed up one more time. And I feel like the Cadillac dealership is to blame for that. Every time we buy a new car there, they send us a tin full of toxic sin cookies. The kind that make you wanna put a scrunchie in your hair, by way of a side pony tail (so when you lay on the couch your head isn't bothered by the bump of your regular pony), take out your contacts and eat the whole tin of cookies while watching lifetime or hallmark channels in your sweatsuit from walmart. Forget about the juicy velour jumpsuit you bought to lounge in pre-baby or your pink Victoria secret pants you bought that now make you have two guts. These cookies are so chewy they could be considered still raw. They make you feel like one really is so thin, if you ate two it should still be considered as just one cause if you stacked them they would be equal to a homemade one. I'm sure I'm the only one following that tangent... But I feel better now, like I took all the power away from those effing cookies just by getting into depth about how they make me feel.
Fall is a hard time to really control your diet. I figure if I can make it through the holidays, I can make it through anything. Halloween I really would love to eradicate from my calendar, it's the reason American kids are fat arses. I would love to strap a feed bag of twix and snickers to my face and spend the day laying in bed... But I'd feel like crap, so wont. Sugar like that only makes my stomach sick, my head hurt and my ass heavier for myself to carry around.
On the agenda rest of the day, steak dreams and enjoying the 75 degree weather.

https://www.advocare.com/11094488

Day 8

I feel so different this morning as I slip on my jeans that move over my hips and zip with ease. It's only been 8 days and I feel like a new person. I've always criticized fat people walking around and acting like they are skinny. As if they were lying to themselves about reality. When actually, I was lying to myself. Giving myself an excuse to even try to lose weight. I can't even try to be skinny, I'm always going to be fat. My self image has been so screwed up for so long I don't know up from down.
One thing I'm absolutely sure about is my goal. I guess blogging my life has been an encouragement toward my goal. I keep reassuring myself that since I've gotten so dangerous to start a blog about losing weight, I guess I'm really going to have to follow through. Am I going to commit to something publicly and fail or not complete it? My goal is to keep it up as long as I can. In case that seems unclear I'll structure it so you know exactly what I'm claiming I'll do here. I'm going to keep losing weight and being healthy as long as I can make a conscious decision to do so. So when I'm in a nursing home sitting in my poo pants, I probably won't be losing weight as part of this commitment. I really feel like this is a new lifestyle for my family.
Something that is really bothering me today is how skinny matt is since he started this cleanse. He was 194 when we started, and now he's 183. He said his goal overall for weight is 175. But honestly, I'm trying to set him up to fail at that goal. Two reasons, first and foremost he looks fantastic right now. He's hot. Reason two- "fat lady- skinny guy feeder syndrome" it's so hillbilly to have a super skinny husband and being a big fat wife. It looks like the hubs is feeding his bride so that she is too fat to have self esteem to ever leave him. And yes feeders are real... Google that! I've got to get him when he's not suspecting. I feel like men shouldn't be able to lose weight so easily and fast. Although I am feeling thinner and great I have to be bitter about something, it's part of my genetic make-up.

https://www.advocare.com/11094488

Day 6

I continue to feel great. This morning I woke up, jumped on the scale and see I've lost 6 lbs. So far, not so bad. My original weight was as much as when I was 10 months pregnant with matisyn. Pretty embarrassed at the lack of self control that has gotten me to this size.
I think about all the reasons why inside myself that I have sabotaged myself the last 18 months and I have dozens of excuses, but what good are they to me? Honestly, breastfeeding is not a good excuse- cause that helps you lose weight. I haven't been exercising cause I'm always tired.
I've let myself not know the feeling of self control for so long, it's like a foreign concept to learn on this diet. Infect I'm so happy to be in control, its like a welcomed change that I'm more than ready to change.
Going to mcdonalds for a "coffee", which i would do daily, was ridiculous. There is absolutely no need to eat out anymore. What was once enjoyable, no longer thrills me. I'm totally all about fitting into jeans from last year. Heck, 6 years ago, pre chase pregnancy would be nice let alone college clothes (which I let go of a long time ago, so don't think I'm going to be reviving shit from England because I'm a mom now).
I simply love the fact that sugar is out of my life. I'm not feeling sick after I eat something. I'm not tired anymore, I'm living. And that alone is huge to me. I'm really happy I made these diet changes and I'm taking these vitamins. I want to be happy and healthy! And I am!

Day 5

Half way through this cleanse. And if I can do this, anyone can do this. It's very simplistic and fun to just rely on the fact that the food we are eating is plain and simple. I told my kids that they can look forward to cupcakes at the end of the week if they don't complain about the food I'm making at home now. They seemed to stop bawking at the meals I've created like taco stir fried rice last night which everyone hated to all the mealy couscous I've been cramming down their throats all week. There is a light at the end of the tunnel, however I'm kinda liking the tunnel just fine.
I bought Mati a rice crispy treat at ninos today that I wasnt even remotely tempted to try. I'm so proud because I would normally eat 3/4 of the thing and give her scraps and instead I saved 1/2 of it for drews after school snack. And he loved it. So that was awesome feeling in control of the food and now having it have power over me by calling my name or making me think about it. That has never been the story of my life. I usually am tempted and give in whenever I'm facing chocolate or sweets. Now I have found the ability to turn the cheek.

Day 4

The other day I sent matt to get some flat out bread. And like a typical male in my family, not only does he return with the flat out I requested, but two packages. Also, a bunch of other stuff I didn't necessarily ask for, like ground chicken. I looks like ground beef, but it's chicken. So he tells me that we can use it for taco meat on Sunday. He said we could cover up the taste of the meat with taco seasoning and we will never taste the difference.
Sundays at dinner time(5pm) is Chases' karate class... So I'm stuck making these "tacos" that Matt thought up, by myself. So I put the chicken in the pan just like you would with ground beef. Not realizing that this chicken has no fat in the mix so it sticks to the pan in the consistency of pâte. I add oil, cumin, onion powder, and garlic hoping for it to taste like taco meat. Well it doesn't, and unlike ground beef you have to wait until it's cooked to taste it. So it tastes like Chicken and taco seasoning. Not taco meat like I had envisioned. So I decide we could throw this into some brown rice with veggies and a couple fried eggs and bada boom, bada bing- dinners really gross, but done. That should teach him to participate with the menu.
Needless to say, he ate his food and didn't say a word. But really chicken tacos with no sour cream or cheese cause you can't have dairy on this cleanse... Its going to be gross either way. I feel like I rescued that pile of ground, cooked chicken. Tomorrow night, I'll stick to hummus, it's what I know.
If I over complicate this cleanse, I'll stress out and quit so let's keep the shit simple.